the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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