Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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