you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
