i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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