what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
