Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
