She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
