im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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