There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
