i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
You smell like a Billy Joel song
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
