so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
