feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
