YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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