Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
