I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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