This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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