I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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