Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
