i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I didn't notice because vodka
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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