i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
