My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
