I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
