Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
