her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
