R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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