member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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