ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
