just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
