I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Did you just see the Batmobile???
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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