haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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