I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
its not stalking. its research.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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