I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
