Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
