By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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