Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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