Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
