one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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