she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
