Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
