i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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