you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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