just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
