She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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