Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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