yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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