I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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