This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
