I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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