There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
