I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
